one month yesterday

**this is a slightly intense post or rather it comes from intense emotions that I’m working through. It’s also very long. So don’t say I didn’t warn you :)

Yesterday was the one month mark. I have been out of Canada and here in Uganda for a whole month. Africa. Uganda. Kampala. Suubi. Africa. It is absolutely crazy to think that I have been here for 30 days. God has brought me through some really crazy days and overall I know the next three months are going to fly by! We are starting to move toward the wet season, out of the hot season, which is quite the relief. Today is very overcast and a nice change from the intense heat we have been feeling. When it rains it rains buckets, and buckets, and buckets. It comes quick and hard. The smell that comes afterward is a very amazing one. Like many things that go on here, I struggle to put it into words for you. When words and pictures don’t do justice to the magnificence or emotions I see and feel I find it very hard to convey to you my experience. I hope you all understand that.

What I can say though is God is moving. God is teaching. God is being God.

In a matter of 72 hours, God challenged me. He showed me His power and His grace. He once again led me through death, LIFE, and birth. In harsh realities I was reminded that I have limited control.  He is good. All the time. And I feel as though he was testing me to see if I would continue to praise him despite circumstances.

Will I let my environment and my circumstances dictate my worship?

Below my apartment I hear ladies screaming. I listen and recognized it as happy joyous screams. Slightly concerned though, I investigate to find nannies – running, jumping, hugging cheering through shrieks of joy – a fellow nanny has given BIRTH. A baby has been born! Will I choose to continue to follow God?

BIRTH.

I’m sitting in my rocking chair and I’ll never forget the moment I realized that I knew Baby I. I didn’t think I did with 27 babies in the babies’ room. God says, ‘Tasha, will you stick with me?’ I know what I’m doing. The same day hope, promise and joy abounded in the news of a birth is the same day one of the many abandoned babies here PASSES AWAY. When he falls sick gets frail all in a matter of days to then be taken from this earth what will my response be?

DEATH.

I meet a small old man, estimated to be 102 years, his legs failing him he sits in the grass bent over. His friend offers us typical Africa seating, old sacks and some of us are privileged to have a bag over a crate or bench. He lives down a narrow red dirt path, in a small brick house, surrounded by Uganda’s lush vegetation. At his old age he speaks jumbled Lugandan but clearly radiates joy. He speaks of God - his love and faithfulness. After a long life he lives with gratitude of his friend who helps him daily and the fact that us white people have chosen to come down the path to his home to worship and study with him. He chooses to survive on God’s provision. Will I choose to trust and learn from him?

LIFE.

Our God is a God who gives and takes away. Despite our limited human understanding or perception, life continues to happen. I think this is the way life is supposed to happen. We are not meant to comprehend each and every little moment because if we did honestly where is the adventure or how could we ultimately trust God in that?

My journal verse yesterday was,

Shout for joy to the Lord, burst into jubilant song with music. –Psalm 98:4

I wrote on top of it in harsh scribbles, ‘Are you kidding me?’

I was angry. I wasn’t angry at God and I wasn’t about to peace out on this journey he has me on. The sharp contrast between birth, life and death in such a short time equaled a conglomeration of emotions and questions. How is someone supposed to shout for joy when death seems so harsh? Although joyous from a birth, thankful for a long-life but overall just down and upset from a life that seemed taken too soon.

I was angry and frustrated at my limited understanding.

Why are some blessed with thousands of days and some only a short few days? I have learnt that when I struggle within my heart and questions threaten to overtake me God is always in control. I’m not designed to understand every life, every death. I’m not the one who calls the shot on when a breath is taken from someone.

My point is God is leading me to live every moment to the fullest and realize my dependence on Him. Living my moments with joy and thankfulness is much easier said than done. Living the moments God chooses to fill my lungs with air and body with energy and flow out with the love He has filled me with is hard.

It’s all about the choice and it is a very hard deliberate choice.

Today will you choose to live fuller?

Realize that you are not guaranteed thousands of days?

You are technically equal to the young sick baby –

just as vulnerable to have your breath taken from you at any moment?

Recognize your lack of control, lack of power and know the GRACE that overrides it all.

Please, choose to LIVE every moment FULLY.

Suubi Church

Just a few of my thoughts, all put together in a statement sort of way from church on Sunday ::

God is more concerned with our faith then with all the good and blessing he gives us.

Hence why God tests us-

to mature, produce character and maturity,

sometimes with the blessings

which can produce our circumstances

which initiates our response

which really should not be dictated by our environment.

All if we believe that we have nothing to fear

for the God of the universe created each one of us with a purpose

- for every single season of our lives

then the power of the Holy Spirit can indwell in us.

The ultimate Giver has given us the greatest gift of all

therefore enabling us to trust an boldly step forward with

courage and confidence

into the grace that is sufficient for every moment.

God enables the called but doesn’t call the enabled.

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what. a. week.

Well I have completed one full week at Suubi in the process being able to work at each of the different areas in the home; babies, special needs, small toddlers and big toddlers. Quite the experience in each one of them to say the least. I’m positive every single day I write in my journal that, ‘this has been the most exhausting day yet.’ My least favorite would be the big toddlers, not just for their persistent energy but just that age in general. Some people are gifted and have the ability in them to serve these kids amazingly. I do not. Simply put. : )

I would rather spend my hours in the baby or small toddler room. For each section in the home comes the specific nannies that are skilled to work with the specific age group they are with. Special needs, like the other areas, require a whole lot of patience and a huge/tough heart. The stories are hard and can touch your heart in a deep place you maybe didn’t even know existed. You must be willing and ready to accept that progress may not be seen for a long time. Growth is gradual.

This is funny how these words come about ‘growth is gradual’. The last of my few devotions in January were all about how growth is gradual, guaranteed and gracious. I see this in my own life as well. Babies and kids take a long time to grow and develop. They make a lot of mistakes before they finally mature in an area. Being here with toddlers, I’ve noticed kids fall. And when they fall, they fall hard. Usually right onto their butts, a few tears and then they get up and a few seconds later, they generally fall again. But eventually, despite all the falling, the tears and the oh-so-hard work - soon they are walking. Unsteady at first but then gradually stronger.

It’s a process.

I see this oddly similar to my spiritual life. Which technically shouldn’t just be a life category, (social life, spiritual life, emotional life) but our whole lives. But that’s another post :) A person is never quite done growing all the days of this earthly life. It’s a growth where God continues to daily, hourly give you the grace to keep on the race he has created just for you. Your growth never stops. You may be unsteady at times and fall right on your butt but the key is to keep getting back up, persevere and learn from why you fell. You’ll never get anywhere if you sit on your butt.

We must never lose the willing spirit to learn.

When you’re willing to trust, growth is gradual, guaranteed and gracious. He will ALWAYS meet you where you are at; whether that is on the floor or running like the wind.