one month yesterday

**this is a slightly intense post or rather it comes from intense emotions that I’m working through. It’s also very long. So don’t say I didn’t warn you :)

Yesterday was the one month mark. I have been out of Canada and here in Uganda for a whole month. Africa. Uganda. Kampala. Suubi. Africa. It is absolutely crazy to think that I have been here for 30 days. God has brought me through some really crazy days and overall I know the next three months are going to fly by! We are starting to move toward the wet season, out of the hot season, which is quite the relief. Today is very overcast and a nice change from the intense heat we have been feeling. When it rains it rains buckets, and buckets, and buckets. It comes quick and hard. The smell that comes afterward is a very amazing one. Like many things that go on here, I struggle to put it into words for you. When words and pictures don’t do justice to the magnificence or emotions I see and feel I find it very hard to convey to you my experience. I hope you all understand that.

What I can say though is God is moving. God is teaching. God is being God.

In a matter of 72 hours, God challenged me. He showed me His power and His grace. He once again led me through death, LIFE, and birth. In harsh realities I was reminded that I have limited control.  He is good. All the time. And I feel as though he was testing me to see if I would continue to praise him despite circumstances.

Will I let my environment and my circumstances dictate my worship?

Below my apartment I hear ladies screaming. I listen and recognized it as happy joyous screams. Slightly concerned though, I investigate to find nannies – running, jumping, hugging cheering through shrieks of joy – a fellow nanny has given BIRTH. A baby has been born! Will I choose to continue to follow God?

BIRTH.

I’m sitting in my rocking chair and I’ll never forget the moment I realized that I knew Baby I. I didn’t think I did with 27 babies in the babies’ room. God says, ‘Tasha, will you stick with me?’ I know what I’m doing. The same day hope, promise and joy abounded in the news of a birth is the same day one of the many abandoned babies here PASSES AWAY. When he falls sick gets frail all in a matter of days to then be taken from this earth what will my response be?

DEATH.

I meet a small old man, estimated to be 102 years, his legs failing him he sits in the grass bent over. His friend offers us typical Africa seating, old sacks and some of us are privileged to have a bag over a crate or bench. He lives down a narrow red dirt path, in a small brick house, surrounded by Uganda’s lush vegetation. At his old age he speaks jumbled Lugandan but clearly radiates joy. He speaks of God - his love and faithfulness. After a long life he lives with gratitude of his friend who helps him daily and the fact that us white people have chosen to come down the path to his home to worship and study with him. He chooses to survive on God’s provision. Will I choose to trust and learn from him?

LIFE.

Our God is a God who gives and takes away. Despite our limited human understanding or perception, life continues to happen. I think this is the way life is supposed to happen. We are not meant to comprehend each and every little moment because if we did honestly where is the adventure or how could we ultimately trust God in that?

My journal verse yesterday was,

Shout for joy to the Lord, burst into jubilant song with music. –Psalm 98:4

I wrote on top of it in harsh scribbles, ‘Are you kidding me?’

I was angry. I wasn’t angry at God and I wasn’t about to peace out on this journey he has me on. The sharp contrast between birth, life and death in such a short time equaled a conglomeration of emotions and questions. How is someone supposed to shout for joy when death seems so harsh? Although joyous from a birth, thankful for a long-life but overall just down and upset from a life that seemed taken too soon.

I was angry and frustrated at my limited understanding.

Why are some blessed with thousands of days and some only a short few days? I have learnt that when I struggle within my heart and questions threaten to overtake me God is always in control. I’m not designed to understand every life, every death. I’m not the one who calls the shot on when a breath is taken from someone.

My point is God is leading me to live every moment to the fullest and realize my dependence on Him. Living my moments with joy and thankfulness is much easier said than done. Living the moments God chooses to fill my lungs with air and body with energy and flow out with the love He has filled me with is hard.

It’s all about the choice and it is a very hard deliberate choice.

Today will you choose to live fuller?

Realize that you are not guaranteed thousands of days?

You are technically equal to the young sick baby –

just as vulnerable to have your breath taken from you at any moment?

Recognize your lack of control, lack of power and know the GRACE that overrides it all.

Please, choose to LIVE every moment FULLY.