moving !

I’m moving  ;)

Back to Kampala!

Pray for a smooth transition for the 2 other girls and me!

My heart originally wasn’t too accepting of this, it seems to be in my character not to be willing to move, however I’ve become slightly more willing. Kampala doesn’t have many small toddlers which is the age I’ve fallen in love with here. However, remembering back to Kampala when I first arrived, the newborn dependency, the cuddling, the feeding bottles and not having food generally all over me when I left a shift perhaps has its beauty as well.

I will write soon about my experience(s) in Suubi.

purpose

-- written February 28, 2012

This date is absolutely crazy to me. Time has gone so fast being here. Fact is the past years have gone crazy fast. Let me be honest with you.

Life goes fast and it is hard.

Shocker eh? : ) I know.  

Even with being in Africa, making a deliberate choice to spend time with my creator does not happen always. As previously mentioned, I often fail. Fail to learn. Good thing our God is a forgiving God. Seriously. But, when you pour out your heart, when you cry, literally, out to God

he moves

He always works but when you are vulnerable you are more likely to notice the little things and be grateful. The blinders come off your eyes and your heart is instilled with new hope and courage.

The other night my body felt 80 years old; fragile, aching and not functioning properly. I was overtired, hadn’t had quality God-time in days if not more, and I was homesick. All combined, this is not good. It was hard. I felt finished. Finished like I hadn't in a long time. Crying in my achiness and out to God, I was reminded of this verse:

 ‘Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.’ Psalm 126:5-6 

God doesn’t miss one of my tears, whether it comes from overwhelming compassion for the babies here or the most terrible injection I’ve ever done. He catches every single hot tear that runs down my cheek. And with faith I may never understand why I shed so many but with faith I realize God knows. He always knows. And when in desperation I cry out to him he answers. I see his faithfulness and grace when

·         when I go a whole day with patience that only comes from him
·         when my hope is renewed
·         I have the three year anniversary of having my first attack
·         when I take a jump and apply to university for the fall
·         my heart is troubled and distressed and God calms it with new revelation
·         a light-bulb comes on for a frustrating concept in my brain

My latest ephinany is that I must not be search for my purpose. I’ve been searching for my purpose here. With my expectations, the more I search for ‘my purpose’ the more I seem to not find it at all. So I MUST remember that my purpose is to simply love to glorify God. I do this and trust everything else falls into place. What happens after I leave a place, whether my ideas and plans are implemented, well that is up to God. My job is to love and be Jesus.

My inspiration for this revelation comes from this paragraph which has and is changing my outlook on purpose.

Without purpose, a person begins to die a slow death. Our confusion about finding purpose in life comes when we perceive that meaning is only experienced when we reach a predetermined goal or a sought-after resolution to a challenging problem.But Oswald Chambers reframes the concept of purpose this way:

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish – His purpose is the process itself….It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

-When I lay my Isaac down, Carol Kent

By losing the focus of searching for purpose I actually find the purpose of it all.  Love.

The purpose of the purpose isn’t to be continually searching for a purpose but to live with a heart full of desire to serve God more.  A desire. A desire for Him to fill us fuller then we ever imagined.

---hope which was lost now stands renewed.

I give my life, to honor this.

The love of Christ, the savior king.

          -hillsong

one month yesterday

**this is a slightly intense post or rather it comes from intense emotions that I’m working through. It’s also very long. So don’t say I didn’t warn you :)

Yesterday was the one month mark. I have been out of Canada and here in Uganda for a whole month. Africa. Uganda. Kampala. Suubi. Africa. It is absolutely crazy to think that I have been here for 30 days. God has brought me through some really crazy days and overall I know the next three months are going to fly by! We are starting to move toward the wet season, out of the hot season, which is quite the relief. Today is very overcast and a nice change from the intense heat we have been feeling. When it rains it rains buckets, and buckets, and buckets. It comes quick and hard. The smell that comes afterward is a very amazing one. Like many things that go on here, I struggle to put it into words for you. When words and pictures don’t do justice to the magnificence or emotions I see and feel I find it very hard to convey to you my experience. I hope you all understand that.

What I can say though is God is moving. God is teaching. God is being God.

In a matter of 72 hours, God challenged me. He showed me His power and His grace. He once again led me through death, LIFE, and birth. In harsh realities I was reminded that I have limited control.  He is good. All the time. And I feel as though he was testing me to see if I would continue to praise him despite circumstances.

Will I let my environment and my circumstances dictate my worship?

Below my apartment I hear ladies screaming. I listen and recognized it as happy joyous screams. Slightly concerned though, I investigate to find nannies – running, jumping, hugging cheering through shrieks of joy – a fellow nanny has given BIRTH. A baby has been born! Will I choose to continue to follow God?

BIRTH.

I’m sitting in my rocking chair and I’ll never forget the moment I realized that I knew Baby I. I didn’t think I did with 27 babies in the babies’ room. God says, ‘Tasha, will you stick with me?’ I know what I’m doing. The same day hope, promise and joy abounded in the news of a birth is the same day one of the many abandoned babies here PASSES AWAY. When he falls sick gets frail all in a matter of days to then be taken from this earth what will my response be?

DEATH.

I meet a small old man, estimated to be 102 years, his legs failing him he sits in the grass bent over. His friend offers us typical Africa seating, old sacks and some of us are privileged to have a bag over a crate or bench. He lives down a narrow red dirt path, in a small brick house, surrounded by Uganda’s lush vegetation. At his old age he speaks jumbled Lugandan but clearly radiates joy. He speaks of God - his love and faithfulness. After a long life he lives with gratitude of his friend who helps him daily and the fact that us white people have chosen to come down the path to his home to worship and study with him. He chooses to survive on God’s provision. Will I choose to trust and learn from him?

LIFE.

Our God is a God who gives and takes away. Despite our limited human understanding or perception, life continues to happen. I think this is the way life is supposed to happen. We are not meant to comprehend each and every little moment because if we did honestly where is the adventure or how could we ultimately trust God in that?

My journal verse yesterday was,

Shout for joy to the Lord, burst into jubilant song with music. –Psalm 98:4

I wrote on top of it in harsh scribbles, ‘Are you kidding me?’

I was angry. I wasn’t angry at God and I wasn’t about to peace out on this journey he has me on. The sharp contrast between birth, life and death in such a short time equaled a conglomeration of emotions and questions. How is someone supposed to shout for joy when death seems so harsh? Although joyous from a birth, thankful for a long-life but overall just down and upset from a life that seemed taken too soon.

I was angry and frustrated at my limited understanding.

Why are some blessed with thousands of days and some only a short few days? I have learnt that when I struggle within my heart and questions threaten to overtake me God is always in control. I’m not designed to understand every life, every death. I’m not the one who calls the shot on when a breath is taken from someone.

My point is God is leading me to live every moment to the fullest and realize my dependence on Him. Living my moments with joy and thankfulness is much easier said than done. Living the moments God chooses to fill my lungs with air and body with energy and flow out with the love He has filled me with is hard.

It’s all about the choice and it is a very hard deliberate choice.

Today will you choose to live fuller?

Realize that you are not guaranteed thousands of days?

You are technically equal to the young sick baby –

just as vulnerable to have your breath taken from you at any moment?

Recognize your lack of control, lack of power and know the GRACE that overrides it all.

Please, choose to LIVE every moment FULLY.